When the meat crumbs settle and those grease stains begin to set in, there are literally thousands of phrases that can be used to describe the burger bliss that may have just transpired. We've narrowed it down to five. The five that count.
Now before we get all scientific on you, let me remind you that we don't care about ridiculous crap ala color schemes, flavor enhancements, or budgetary considerations that a nancy-boy food critic might cry about. I don't know what pretty looks like -- trust me on this one. I haven't the foggiest as to how sensory stimulation works. If someone attempted to describe to me how meticulously choosen ingredients delivered to the taste recepting cells of my soft palate and upper esophogus in a precise order could in turn trigger a specific gustatory reaction in my cerebral cortex which -- subject to the constraints of the common English language -- could at best could only be described as 'meatrotic'... well, then I'd be lost. And I sure as hell am not gonna tell you what's too much to spend on a goddamn cheeseburger. If you got it spend it. If you can't afford a burger, stop what you're doing and sell this computer. Seriously.
Now on to the show...
#1 Wall O' Meat: An uncompromising wad of beef is the Rock of Gilbraltar on which any burger temple should be created -- or for my mexican friends -- an eagle eating a snake on a cactus. Meat is the make or break here. Too little and I might as well be eating a salad. Too much and I... well, this hasn't happened yet but... well I'm sure I'd have a reaction. Simply put, less is not more.
#2 Top Gun Factor: Okay. No joking around here. When it comes to options for toppings, there's only one place I want to go. The Danger Zone. Insanity peppers? Fried Grease? Chocolate? Whatever. I run with twelve gangs. I'll do what I want. Bring it.
#3 Sides, Glorious, Sides: Every Mr. Burger needs a little Miss Thang. I don't know what that means entirely... It wasn't supposed to be sexual. I'm just saying I don't want my burger sitting alone on a Saturday night thinking about renewing his World of Warcraft trial account. So assuming he's been paired for the evening, is she worth bringing home to meet the parents or should he leave the car running in the motel parking lot?
#4 Opposite Sex Abomination?: The test of a real Burger diety. When true deliciousness finds me, my mind may be sent to another time and space. My body, however, is not. Ketchup dribbles down my chin. Pickles end up in my hair. Little children become scared. While this physical transformation may cause the opposite sex to flee from your side, Burger Nirvana is far from a lonely state.
#5 Blindsided: When expecting the unexpected isn't enough. Does your establishment boast the country's longest straws? Do you only give change in $2 bills? Are all your burgers served by flaming midgets? (I would be a fan of either literal or homosexual, here). Seriously though, if your flaming midgets are on break, a smaller surprise can score points here too.
And with these powers combined, a true Burger "10" shall one day rule the world... I mean city.
